Freedom fighters, friends, and former lovers:
I assume you’ve had an eventful year. I certainly have.
In January, for example, I finally got to tour the U.S. Capitol building. In March, I made it down to Mar-a-Lago for an enchanting black-tie gala to celebrate the cucking of Jeff Bezos. Diamond and Silk had to help me back to my room at 4 a.m. (Wink, wink.) I ended up missing my flight to Mekelle the next day, but Jake Paul was kind enough to let me borrow his jet.
Over the summer, I made a small fortune trading meme stocks and proceeded to turn that small fortune into a metric buttload by playing the crypto markets and shorting Peloton. Easiest decision I’ve ever made. Riding a bicycle outdoors is bad enough, but at least I can still run you over with my car.
Unfortunately, after cashing out in August I was swindled by some losers on the dark web. It would seem that “Cuddle…